Ditto

...To what she said.  I was reading one of my favorite blogs just now, written by another mother that lost a child, and when she shared the things she misses and wishes could have been, I completely knew what she meant.  I wish Jace could have a buddy like Kyle and Lance have each other.  Just yesterday, Jace gave me another piece of clothing that was too small for him, and when I went to the boys' room (Lance and Kyle), realized once again, that I can't just put it in Lance's drawer, but it would go in "Evan's box" up in the closet - clothing that is right between Jace and Lance's size.  This time I said it out loud for Jace to hear.  "Wish you were here to wear these, Evan.  We miss you!"
Stephanie's writings are so inspiring.  Read on:

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What I Am Missing

by Stephanie

Sometimes my mind leaves the here and now and wanders to the dangerous land of Couldabeen. In this place I see all the things I am missing. Walking through children's clothing stores I see the adorable little girl clothes. My mind instantly misses the little baby girl I could have been dressing in those clothes. My other girls are all shopping in the big girl section now.

Milestones are particularly difficult. An inner voice whispers to my soul, she would have been 4 and saying those funny things and doing those adorable tricks. She would be starting Kindergarten next year. She would be Lauren's buddy.

I see kids her age. I watch them and feel sorrow that my little girl isn't able to learn and grow and experience all they are experiencing. I am sorry for her and for me not being able to experience these milestones of life with her.

I had such a moment the other day. But this time, in the quiet sorrow in my soul that followed the thought of pity at her missing out, there came a feeling. It was a feeling of thrilling joy and exhilaration, but not my own. It was her joy. I could sense it like you can feel the energy off of someone who is really excited about some thing. It was the same sense of joy I had from her the when she finally passed away. She was happy.

And the thought came to my mind,
"Oh, Mom, if only you could see
the things I am doing now..."

And with that my sorrow fled.
I realized I am not missing what she would have been.
If anything, I am missing all she has become.

 

http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com/2011/07/what-i-am-missing.html